New and Improved Scripture (that fits the New Apostolic Reformation)

His disciples asked Him, "Tell us, what will be the sign of Your coming, and of the end of the age?" And Jesus answered them and said, "See to it that no one deceives you with Bible verses about this, that and the other thing-who can understand all that doctrine, anyway? Just buy all the books, CDs and DVDs from the Apostles, Prophets and Pastors. You will know them by their catch phrases, advertising campaigns and highly publicized conferences. Do they have gigantic churches, TV shows and best-selling books? Then you can trust them. Do they live in ostentatious mansions and fly in private jets, having derived all of their riches from the sheep they pretend to help? Then do whatever they say and continue giving them your money.

Remember that time I went into the temple and drove out the money changers with a whip? Well, in the last days that gets reversed; you will pay the new money changers to tickle your ears, whilst ignoring the preaching of the Gospel. I know I originally said, 'It is written, My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves;' but in the last days I will raise up a group of new and better apostles who will get filthy rich even as they proclaim false teachings. They will make many errors with their "fortune-telling" style of prophesying, and their lives will often be a moral train wreck, but as long as they do it in my name, it's all good!"

His disciples then asked Him, "what if they talk about doing many great miracles, but produce very few results? And what if they talk more about themselves than about You? And what if they mishandle the Holy Scriptures by constantly taking verses out of context? And what if..." Jesus interrupted them and said, "Hello? Didn't you hear Me the first time?? As long as they do these things in My name it's all good! Let's just be positive; remember, your words have creative power, so try and speak good things into existence. In fact, I think I felt a shift in the atmosphere as I said that. Did you guys feel that?!" At this the disciples marveled, because it didn't sound like any of His other teachings.